Free Republic

Local baby Oliver Daniels patiently waited to be completely strapped in his car seat before unleashing Armageddon in his diaper. "That's it Mommy, one more buckle," snickered Oliver as he readied to unload. "Come on now, let's get just barely out of the driveway, and... it's show time!" According to sources, six-month old Oliver knew from the time he woke up that morning that an epic blowout was in store. "It was a question of when, not if," explained Oliver. "I spent the whole night before slamming pouches of mixed fruits and veggies. Then, I heard Mommy say we were...

LOS ANGELES, CA — A reboot of the popular Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise will feature an all-female cast backing into rocks for two hours, says Disney. "Women walk the plank together," a tagline for the film reads, referencing how women should stand together in life — and how they always go to the bathroom together for some reason. The movie is expected to come in under budget thanks to the strategic use of Hollywood's gender pay gap combined with the fact the film only needs one set as the entire film takes place on a ship that has...

Final polling data ahead of the official caucus shows Nikki Hayley losing to Trump, which the presidential candidate has emphatically said is "unacceptable." According to sources, polling data motivated her to launch retaliatory attacks against a voter base that despises her. Support by defense contractors for Hayley's presidential campaign has since quadrupled. "We're all in for Team Hayley," said Lockheed Martin CEO David Rumsfeld. "It's so inspiring the way she wants to give us money to bomb people. Boy, do I love bombing people." Iowans have responded unfavorably to the bombings, but Fox News reporters confirm that the diminished Iowan...

GROVELAND, IL - Pierce County's District Attorney has opened prosecution against an eight-year-old boy who reportedly terrorized two burglars robbing his parents' mansion. The young boy by the name of Kevin McAllister was apparently home alone when the perpetrators attempted to sneak into the estate. McAllister sprang into action with a series of ingenious attacks, including blowtorches, paint cans, and a tarantula. "The child engaged in cruel, vicious behavior that could have seriously injured the two gentlemen known as the ‘Wet Bandits' ," said District Attorney Ansel Hayden. "McAllister literally smashed Marv's face with an iron, when Marv wished nothing...

You've heard everyone talk about it. "When you look at the end of the Roman Empire and the current state of America, you can't help but see the parallels!" It's time to dig down and discover just how true that is. The Babylon Bee is on the case, presenting the following list of shocking similarities between the later years of the Roman Empire and today's United States

SEATTLE, WA — In an effort to smooth things over with the Jewish community after baristas voiced support for Hamas, coffee giant Starbucks has begun to give Jewish customers a little something extra by placing a yellow star sticker on their coffee cups. "We value our Jewish customers and want everyone to know exactly who they are," said Starbucks spokesperson Dan Spivey. "We don't want any of our customers to feel alienated or discriminated against, so we're placing these yellow stars on the cups of our Jewish customers to make sure they are fully recognized." Jewish groups had called for...

SACRAMENTO, CA — Customers have already begun camping out by the thousands after a local grocery store announced on Black Friday they would sell food for the price it was back when Trump was President. "Forget the big screen TV, we're talking a gallon of milk for two bucks!" said local man Donald DiMarco as he rolled out a sleeping bag. "I get a few gallons, I could quit one of my three jobs!" The shocking deals will reportedly extend to everything in the store, with several grocery items to be discounted upwards of eighty percent. The grocery store known...

Joining the groups of outspoken activists who attach themselves to prominent works of art, Pope Francis has glued himself to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel to protest climate change. "We must stop climate change now!" the 86-year-old pontiff said as he hung precariously from the ceiling that features priceless paintings by famed artist Michelangelo. "There is no greater danger to all of God's children than the threat of the temperature of the earth rising slightly and causing inclement weather. All other issues around the world pale in comparison to this."

After years of suffering under unfair labor practices, the Bee writers are going on strike. Support us by reading this article and then by joining us on the picket line. We will not get back to work until every single one of these demands is met. They are very reasonable!Demands:1. CEO Seth Dillon agrees to begin paying us 2. More gruel at lunchtime 3. Bowing to the golden Trump statue when the music plays is no longer mandatory 4. Seth agrees to stop whipping us and yelling, "Be funnier!" 5. Iron Maiden pinball machine in the breakroom 6. Cut Editor-in-Chief...

U.S. — Democratic leadership in multiple sanctuary cities complained Monday about undocumented immigrants destroying the very sanctuaries established for them. "Our system is being totally overwhelmed. We are literally dying," said New York City Mayor Eric Adams. "I'm beginning to think supporting illegal immigration — excuse me, undocumented people of migration — was a bad idea." "I mean refugees. What are we calling them again?" According to U.S. Customs and Border Protection, undocumented immigrants (or illegal aliens, as racists describe them) reached 2.7 million in 2022. For 2023, the number is likely in the hundreds of millions of billions. "I...

As evidence of bribery and corruption by the Biden family continues to mount, Democrat lawmakers in the nation's capital have expressed heavy skepticism, saying they will need a lot more than just eyewitnesses, financial records, audio and video recordings, and admissions of guilt from parties involved for them to believe any of it. "Nah, I'm not buying it," said California Congressman Eric Swalwell. "If you're wanting me to believe President Biden and his family have been involved in a far-reaching money-for-favors scheme for years, you'll need to show me a lot more than rock-solid, irrefutable evidence. If the Biden family...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Members of the Upper House shuffled excitedly down the hall on their way to lunch Thursday after hearing Congressional chefs were prepping something special in addition to their usual meal of strained peas and blended cube steak. "Oooo! I hear it's chocolate pudding!" exclaimed Senator Dianne Feinstein. "I haven't had chocolate smooshsmosh since Otto von Bismarck made his trek across the Delaware and another thing why are the lights in here so bright and where's Dorothy with my whacking stick…." Senator Mitch McConnell was seen padding toward the cafeteria with a sparkle in his eye after hearing...

What began as a beautiful summer weekend in the popular Rehoboth Beach community collapsed into confusion and terror as the local police department was called to investigate a corpse that apparently washed up on the beach. "Multiple eyewitnesses reported a horrifying sight," said Sgt. Jon Munyan in a briefing to the press. "We were notified of what appeared to be a severely decomposed human male lying on the beach in broad daylight. We are currently investigating the reports and will provide more details when they become available." Stunned onlookers described the scene. "We were just enjoying a beautiful day at...

The entirely flammable, destructible set includes dozens of pagan minifigs plus a bonus Lot and his wife, who is, of course, a pillar of salt. Children can press a button on the set and the whole thing explodes in flames, and they can even participate in the carnage using the included brimstone launcher. "Hooray! The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against the unrighteousness of men!" shouted one child in a new commercial for the set as he chucked some Lego brimstone at his village full of screaming minifigs. "Flee, fornicators, for the Lord's anger is kindled against...

Are you moving to Texas from California? There are a few cultural differences you need to be aware of! Presented by Steve and Timpani from our hit Californians Move to Texas web series.VIDEO

With the results of a recent poll indicating 74% of Americans no longer trust the mainstream media, analysts were greatly troubled by the fact that an alarming 26% of people still trust what the media tells them. "It really is frightening," said Micah Schmidt, lead research analyst for Gallup. "It beggars belief that one out of four Americans still trust the journalists who have done nothing but tear the country apart with a steady diet of lies and hatred. We are either far dumber - or far crazier - than anyone could have imagined." To push the envelope even further,...

In a recent interview with CNN's Jake Tapper, President Biden sat down to assure the nation that while a nuclear war is likely on the way, it will only be "very slight." "Look folks, here's the deal. I don't think there will be a nuclear war with Russia. But if it is, it'll be very a very slight one," said President Joe Biden. "It'll be just a mild armageddon, nothing more." As the broadcast continued, Jake Tapper nodded calmly before staring blankly into the distance, trying to register that the world may or may not be on the brink of...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After learning that the president had contracted the Coronavirus, Joe Biden quickly called up Barack Obama to wish him a speedy recovery. "Hey, man, this is Pedo Peter. How you holdin' up? I heard on the news you got COVID-19. Come on, man, you should've called me!" Biden reportedly told Obama's personal assistant. Biden continued speaking while waiting to be transferred to Obama. "I just want you to know that you're my rock. I love you, man. Sending thoughts and pringles your way. Libbenshneblet. End of note." Sources familiar with the matter claim that by the time...

Ghislaine Maxwell has been sentenced to 20 years in prison, in spite of her many years of faithful service to our nation's leaders. "For decades, Maxwell served the needs of American presidents, British royalty, and US intelligence," said a spokesman for her defense team. "That they would repay her this way is cruel and ungrateful. How could they do this to her?" Sources confirmed that Maxwell will be transported to a high-security federal prison in New York and that the names of the hundreds of powerful men she served would be withheld from public record. "We ask that everyone respect...

PINE BLUFF, AR—The Russian invasion of Ukraine, China’s growing military threat, and Ketanji Brown Jackson’s inability to tell men from women have contributed to growing fear that World War III may be on the horizon. In response to this increased unease, liberals have begun to cozy up to their crazy, gun-toting MAGA neighbors—just in case they need some protection when everything "hits the fan."Gavin Gallgull and his wife Allysseeah are one such example of long-time liberals and Biden voters who are anxious to make friends with their Trump-loving neighbors, the Wessons.